🔗 Share this article

The listings for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. highlights a fun dual-language show and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Conspicuously missing from the advertised schedule is Friday's FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private event. Organizers likely want to prevent any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly repeat the tired cliche that "soccer brings together the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

The lavish event is scheduled to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will oversee a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age longing for the simpler, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty velvet bag of simple, numbered balls.

Slated to last the thick end of three grueling hours, the event will feature a seemingly endless agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, approved jokes, famous faces, performances from artists with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Detail

Included in those tasked with conducting the ceremony? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, barring an armed security team crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the reply was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are conscious of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The suggestion appeared that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With 42 nations already qualified for next year's tournament and another six set to qualify, there will be a real air of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will face in the group stages, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and special deeds." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is mostly in the US, guesses about the recipient are ripe, even if the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a coach with a team on a five-match losing streak, offering a classic remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"