Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.